Sometimes I Get Bummed Out..

That I was never able to see my daughter born.  I never got to experience seeing her take her first breath.  I wasn't there to hear her first cry.  I didn't get to witness my loving fiance cut the umbilical cord.  I didn't get to breathe in that new baby smell as she was first out of the womb.  I didn't get to give her a kiss and welcome her into the world (until hours later).  So yeah.. sometimes I get bummed out.

(Pictures taken by Tim when Kylee was only a few hours old. She was hooked up for monitoring and medication

(I FINALLY got to hold my baby girl when she was about 8hrs old. Swollen head from her head hitting my pelvic bone over and over.. poor girl)

I was induced with Kylee.  She was a stubborn baby.  She didn't want to come out.  She loved kicking her mama in the ribs and giving me sweet sweet heartburn. Thursday, November 13th I went for my OB appointment and she checked me and I wasn't anywhere close to being ready.  We discussed options and decided that we would induce the next day.  I was MORE than fine with this. I was miserable. Friday morning bright and early we went to the hospital and after spending a decade a few hours checking in and getting situated.. we started the pitocin.   I was on that damn pitocin for 13 hours and had NO progress.  My doctor came up to check me and we talked about trying a different drug that was just going to help soften up my cervix.  I was game. I was ready. Unfortunately.. we had to wait until Monday.  So I shoved handfuls and handfuls of food into my mouth (Hey! I hadn't eaten in like a day!) and we are discharged.  Monday morning we go back to the hospital (a different one this time.. one closer to my OB's office) and start the softening up the ol' cervix.  I make some progress.. and around noon my OB comes and breaks my water and things start moving along a little faster. Then comes the epidural. And then life for hours without being able to move my legs, control my bowels (sorry nurse for passing gas just as you went to check me.. not my fault...but sorry).. ANYWAYS.. I'm FINALLY ready to push in the early hours of November 18th.  I push. And push. Push again. Push until I feel like I'm going to push my own organs out of my body.  Her head just won't cooperate!  So we try to vaccuum her out. (Medically speaking.. I mean we didn't stick a Dyson on her or anything!) .. Doesn't help.  More pushing. Suddenly... they say.. "We can see her..she's almost here! Just a little more!" (Yeah right...) So more pushing.  Suddenly.. I'm not feeling so great.  Things are starting to get blurry.  My eyes aren't staying open like they should.  My chest feels really heavy.  I pull the nurse down towards me and yell at her to help me!  She says, "Hang on honey you're almost there."  I look over at the tv. Saved by the Bell is on.  That's the last thing I remember.

Tim tells me that I started talkin really funny.  Not making much sense.  And then I went into a seizure.  Doctors came running in from everywhere.  Tim was reassured and then brushed to the side.  They had to get us into surgery and get baby girl out right away.  I was given meds in my IV to stop the seizure.  They performed a c-section and retrieved my baby girl.  However..she wasn't breathing.  This was due to the  medication they had given me combined with the stress from her attempted vaginal delivery.  Tim remembers standing outside (he wasn't allowed to go in) and peaking through the tiny glass window and seeing our doctor working on Kylee and saying "Please breathe baby. Just breathe." He cried. (Don't tell him I told you..) Finally Kylee started breathing.  Me? I was still totally out of it.  I don't really know much of what happened from seeing Saved by the Bell on to then waking up in recovery.  It wasn't until after it all happened that I even knew I HAD a c-section. 

I woke up in recovery. Totally confused. Not even knowing where I was.  Not even knowing that I was no longer pregnant.  I asked for Tim and the nurse brought him over.  He told me about what happened and told me she was okay and the breathing tube had been taken out.  He even brought me some pictures he had taken! (What a sweetheart).  They even left a little bit of her umbilical cord on so he could cut it.  (Wish a doc or nurse had taken a picture...). 

Anyways..before you all start falling asleep..  I know a lot of people have very strong opinions about c-sections verses vaginal delivery. Medicated births verses natural birthing.  The point is.. I may not have wanted a c-section to start out with.  But I'm so glad that I had one.  It saved the life of my daughter and myself.  My stubborn daughter happens to have a gigantic head (like her mama) and her head was too big to fit down under my pelvic bone so she wasn't coming out by herself!   The recovery from my c-section wasn't pleasant.  It was damn painful at times.  But it was meant to be. I firmly believe that.  I will not be attempting a VBAC with any future children.  My doctor supports my decision as does my loving fiance'.  

But yeah.. sometimes I get bummed out...

But then I look at her. And nothing else matters.